The end of the year is near. I know that not just because of the change in seasons or the flip of the calendar. I know it because, once again, Iâ€™m in a total panic that time is passing by faster than I can do the right thing with it. Just like I was in June 2011.
The â€œrightâ€ thing. When I initially thought about this post, I was going to write, â€œfaster than I know what to do with it.â€ I also thought, â€œfaster than I can do what I want to do with it.â€ I donâ€™t know if what I want to do is â€œrightâ€ or if itâ€™s the â€œrightâ€ time for what I want to do when I want to do it. Considering I usually want what I want right now, and some of the things I want canâ€™t realistically coexist, right now must not be the season for some or any of those things.
For example, todayâ€™s Top 5 Right-Now Wants:
- Publish my memoir
- Adapt memoir into a one-woman show
- Perform Show
- Be married
- Have at least one child that comes from my own body
I have to be specific about number 5 because I want number 4 to happen before number 5, number 4 could take a while and although I could adopt a child irrespective of pregnancy, thereâ€™s a time limit on fertility. I also have to consider that the one-woman show based on the memoir will not be as effective if I perform it while pregnant or wrinkled and with the added curves that normally come with age. Of course, before I perform the thing I have to write it, revise it and rehearse it, which could take a year or two or so, which means it could also run right into the time when having my first child could become dangerousâ€”that is, if I manage to leave my computer (or a rehearsal hall, or an MFA acting program, because itâ€™s been more than a year since I last performed on stage and I would need some coaching anyway) long enough to land in a relationship that would actually lead to marriage â€¦
You see where Iâ€™m going with this. My dreams, as I want them, look impossible. And those are just the Top 5.
I decided to read Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 yesterday morning. Itâ€™s long been one of my favorite scriptures because it makes me believe there is such a thing as right timing and that things come about in the season in which they should. It begins:
To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
But yesterday morning I read a different version than I normally do and got a surprise in verse 6:
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away (NIV 1984)
Give up? Thereâ€™s a time to give up? Thatâ€™s different from the King James Version of â€œa time to get and a time to lose; a time to keep and a time to cast away.â€ Thereâ€™s no volition in the latter; you win some, you lose some. You try and sometimes life doesnâ€™t go your way, no matter how much effort you put into it. Though the second parts of the verse are the same, â€œthrow awayâ€ becomes a more decisive action when coupled with â€œgive up,â€ as in, â€œThereâ€™s a time to give up your dreams and throw them away.â€
I would be sad to give up on any of my Top 5, but I began to wonder this morning if itâ€™s time—for now or forever.